A time to be vulnerable
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” - Ecclesiastes 3:11
I have learned throughout the past couple of months that there is a time for everything under the sun. I learned to sorrow with those who sorrow and by God's grace to rejoice with those who rejoice.
I must acknowledge that for me, it took time and prayer to get to this very time. The time to surrender to God. The time to let it go. The time to be vulnerable. The time to talk, to share, or to write about it. I was not ready, nor did I want to.
After months of praying, I felt strongly called that it was time for us to start a family. I was very excited. I dreamed of a calm and curious little Flaco or a curious and sometimes mischievous little Flaca (me). Then, I was angry and confused with God. I cried to Him. I yelled at Him. I ignored Him. It was hard to trust Him when life inside my womb was called back to heaven.
I know pregnancy loss is more common than we think. I know friends and family who have gone through a pregnancy loss too. Yet, I felt alone, ashamed, broken, and discouraged. I asked God and questioned myself. Why? What was the purpose of this? I think I have a very healthy lifestyle. I do not drink and do not smoke. I eat healthily, eat organic, exercise regularly, etc. How could I be 1 in 4 of the estimated pregnancies that ended in early pregnancy loss (1 in 5 if we only count women who realized/reported a loss)? This is unfair, I said. But all of this at the end was coming from a prideful heart. Who am I to question what it is fair or unfair?
Now, I am humbled to say that I have a baby in heaven.
It was pride making me feel ashamed, broken, defeated, and ultimately alone. So, it is not until this very moment that I know from my heart that none of those thoughts are or were ever true for me. Those are not true for any other woman either. It was my prideful heart that was getting in the way of finding the peace of God, "which transcends all understanding."
Nevertheless, God's steadfast love, mercy, and presence were always right there. It was shown through my husband's love, patience, prayers, and his overwhelmed sense of peace and trust. Our families' encouragement, prayers, and love in the midst of our silence. The Christian Hypnobirthing app (@christianhypnobirthing), whose playlist randomly starting to play on my phone or computer at times when I was feeling alone or defeated. Our community group from church who loved us through it. Friends who unexplainably felt called to reach and patiently cared, loved, and waited on me. And ultimate through God's forgiveness and mercy towards my angry and troubled heart.
We will never understand many things happening under the sun. And we are warned not to lean on our understanding but only lean on God. It has been challenging, and perhaps it is challenging for you, too! But the gift and relief for us to know are that our Heavenly Father meets us right where we are. He does not ask us to be ready; neither He expects us to have everything figured out. He embraces us right there even when our hearts are angry, confused, troubled, etc. Therefore, I still believe in God's promises for you and for me. I believe and found peace because our baby is in heaven where there is no sorrow or pain, rejoicing in Jesus's sacrifice and the gift of eternal life.
Finally, I pray for everyone who might be experiencing or experienced a miscarriage before. I pray for everyone who is yearning and waiting to become a mother for the first time or again. I pray for everyone whose heart needs peace. I pray for all of us to continue seeking God's presence through the hurt and sorrow.
For those who lost a baby, who are waiting for a baby, who lost a loved one... For all of us, a story of healing and redemption is waiting for us to tell because our God and Heavenly Father is good and faithful.
"For everything, there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Thank you to my sweet friend Cameron (@cameronbarnumphoto) for loving us and for blessing us with such beautiful photographs. You have a caring, kind, and loving heart for others. And, it truly meant a lot for us to share this time with you and your family. You helped us capture God’s light even through a hard time.